Swipe left. Left. Left. Left. Wait. I didn’t mean that. Undo. (Thanks, Premium). Uh… Never mind. Left. Left. Left. Left.
That’s basically me on Tinder, Soul Swipe, bae, or any other dating app that’s out. I’ve gotten pretty numb to the guys out there. I mean, it’s now to the point where I can admit that I’ve recognized certain triggers that foreshadow their debauchery. The types of profile photos and ‘clever’ profile descriptions are all alarms that are set off mentally. I just can’t.
For an example, men with professional head shots tell me that he is interested and/or pursuing a career in the entertainment industry. And though I know everyone can have their breakout moment, how stable is that aspiring acting/rapping/photography/cinematography career? When my grandma asks me what you do for a living, how should I explain that you’re 33 and had a breakout role (read: extra) on Devious Maids in 2014?
And is it just me or is everyone a Travel Noire now? I mean, did everyone buy that $100 round-trip ticket to Abu Dhabi? I think traveling is great, wonderful even, but did you go there to enjoy the culture or to show everyone you have a passport? I’m not trying to compete with your Instagram following or be your designated photographer. I’m good.
All the self-proclaimed “family men” are basically fathers to me. I don’t care if that baby in your photo was your godchild or niece (which, why is a minor in your photo anyway?), I want no parts. And I understand that men can be married and divorced by 30. I get that. However, children are an extra priority. Despite how good or bad the relationship with the mother of the children is, I just personally don’t want to get involved. It’s too much.
And shoutout to all the “entrepreneurs” out there. We’re all hustling and trying to become that next mogul or whatever, but what pays the bills? Does your hustle suffice? What that LLC do? No, seriously. What does your company consist of? What are the projected profits? How much have you made so far? I might have watched too many episodes of Shark Tank but that tells you I’m no fool.
The guys that are just looking for “friends” or were allegedly bored and decided to sign up to see what’s good can go away too. I know what being “friends” mean and I’m not about to ride 285 all day long to waste my gas. Catch it.
And if we get to the point where we somehow matched, don’t call me baby or sweetheart or any other generic pet name. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. Let’s start at 0 and work our way forward, shall we? Don’t tell me you’ll give me a back rub or I can swing by your place if I want. Again, I. don’t. know. you. And this ain’t what this is.
If your photo is too grainy or pixelated, I swiped left. If your carpet is dirty, I swiped left. If you don’t understand grammatical syntax, I swiped left. And if we matched and you didn’t initiate conversation first, I’m un-matching without notification. I’m really not picky, I swear. But the way my standards are set up…
So, this thought process can make it hard to deem one as a decent match. Tinder just reaffirms how data plans and wifi connections are really accessible to anyone. But I haven’t given up yet. I’m sure there is a respectable someone out there. Until then…