It’s interesting how much the notion of friendship with ex boyfriends or girlfriends differs based on the person. I once knew someone who ended communication immediately after the relationship ended, and he was extremely perplexed that I still spoke to some of mine. For me, when I’m in a relationship, I spend so much time being their friend and confidante that I struggle to simply walk away from such an emotional investment. There’s no black and white, not everyone I date earns a permanent placement in my life, hard as the adjustment might be. I can’t tell you what you should do either, since you know what is best for you. Instead, I’d like to share some points to think about when deciding if you want to stay friends with your ex.

How did they treat you when you were together?

With my ex fiancé, it was all about him. If he fell, I was there. If I fell, well, I needed to dust myself off and pick myself up. Throughout the relationship, time and time again he was never there for me. When we finally broke up for the last time (thank God), I definitely blocked him from any and all forms of communication. But that was mostly for me, so I wouldn’t try to contact him. A year later, after I healed, I missed the camaraderie we once had and requested to be friends again, only to realize that the friendship was just as one sided as our relationship. I decided it was not worth my commitment and ceased to communicate with him.

How did you break up?

An amicable break up can make for an easier transition, if you wish, to friendship. Maybe your lives are going into separate theoretical directions, or its a long distance relationship that you no longer want to pursue. They might no longer be number 1 on your totem pole, but it doesn’t hurt to still be able to check in every once in a while.

Maybe later?

Sometimes you need to work through your feelings and arrive at a more healthy place before inviting the person back in your life. In the case of my first love, we cycled between friends, lovers and foes so many times that we came to the consensus that at the very least, we needed to keep the door open for friendship. We’ve moved on in our lives and we don’t communicate regularly, but there is a small sense of peace in just being able to say “hi how ya doing” in the occasional text. But I couldn’t really be his friend until I came to terms that we would never be, ever again.  My best “exlationships” began after I had healed from the process and I was sure that we were both willing and capable to be good friends to each other.

“You win some, you lose some” is my general thought towards friendships, in general. I believe every interaction with another person has a reason and a place in your life. Whether you decide to  keep your ex in the friend or foe category, I wish you peace and a healthy, happy headspace.

Published by AdeDoyin

I am a first generation Nigerian-American residing in Dallas, TX. Born and raised (translation: bred and buttered) in Mississippi, I consider myself a melting pot of Southern hospitality and Yoruba culture. While my profession and passion is in digital advertising, I spend a lot of my spare time working towards my dream of being a full-time blogger. Have a question? Shoot me an email at I don't bite, unless if you're a cupcake.

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