Big Girls Don’t Cry…Except When They Do

So there’s this old song that I remember from the opening of Dirty Dancing (one of my favorite movies as a child, so just try to follow me here). It’s called, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons. It popped into my head recently because I went through a situation that brought me a few unexpected tears plus a complementary wave of shame to go with them.

To give you a quick synopsis, I dated a guy for a short time and then, for reasons I’ve accepted I’ll never understand, things just kind of fell off track and came to an end. For the first few days afterward, I was legitimately unaffected. I told myself how accomplished I am and what great qualities I have and how little one person matters when I have so much going for me. Standard stuff.

And then a few days later, things just changed. When I noticed my eyes getting wet one day, my immediate thought was, What? Why on earth are you crying? You’re supposed to be strong and strong people don’t cry…especially not over boys. But I couldn’t help it. I realized my heart felt like it had lost something. Not so much the guy, but that ideal of what could have been. When that image got shattered, it seems like the falling pieces left a few surface cuts on my heart and man. did. they. hurt.

But because I am, in fact, a strong woman, I hid that pain like a dirty sock. Nobody in my life knew what I was going through and I felt like I had to keep it that way. What would my friends think if they knew I let some guy get to me? Or that actual tears had been coming from my eyes? And then I wondered, Why do I feel so ashamed?

Finally I realized it. There’s an interesting trend in America where brushing things off and not caring is the cool thing to do. Songs like “Problem” by Ariana Grande and Iggy Azalea and “I Really Don’t Care” by Demi Lovato and Cher Lloyd seem to promote indifference to those who have hurt you.  And then, as women of color, we are often force fed an additional persona. The persona of the strong, independent black woman who doesn’t need any man to support her. I had to decide, is it possible to be that person and also shed a tear when you get hurt?

The short answer is yes. I looked at myself and my situation and tried to figure out WHY I was upset. Was it out of weakness? Stupidity? No. It’s because I’m a person.

I’m a person who proudly wears her heart on her sleeve and is open and willing to be emotionally intimate with others.

The downside there is the fact that, yes, it means sometimes I’ll get hurt, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The strong, independent black woman doesn’t have to stay that way by shutting people out. You can gain strength from letting people in, embracing the full range of feelings that person inspires, and then letting yourself mourn the loss once they are gone. There is power in understanding your emotions and accepting that pain can play a huge role in building up resilience.

So, what’s the moral of the story here? Well first…big girls CAN and should cry. And also, life is too short not to let your heart run wild. So don’t hold back.

Credits: A National Acrobat

This is Why You Hate Your Job

You swear it is because of the paycheck that drives you into the office. Actually, you know it. Because if your spaceship arrived right now, you’d be on it without any hesitation. Alas, the job you imagined this to be turned into something quite the opposite and now you’re pissed. But do you know why you hate your job? This is why.

You don’t get a sense of achievement.

Didn’t Beyonce say we are working 9 to 5 to stay alive? You don’t feel accomplished after completing a task. There’s no sense of connection in filling out mundane reports. Yay, you called another customer to see if they want to extend their contract and they didn’t hang up on you. Wooo! Yea, it definitely gets better than that.

You aren’t being recognized for your accomplishments.

So when you do something noteworthy, like finished your project three weeks before the deadline and managed to do it using 2/3rds of the budget allocated and no one even gives you a pat on the back? Girl, bye. Or like the time your coworkers celebrated everyone’s birthday but yours? These moments of feeling unappreciated can really take a toll on your morale.

You lack responsibility.

When your boss or coworkers constantly breathe down your back, you probably get annoyed. I mean, you’re not a baby. You went to college, interned, and worked in other positions that led you here. You were hired to take on a set of tasks without much supervision. That was the point of hiring you, right? Having someone critique your work excessively makes this place of employment no fun.

There is no ladder to climb.

Almost every job will describe a possibility of you climbing up the ranks but you quickly found out that was not true. And there is no money in the budget for a raise or a bonus. So unless you feel like waiting 10+ years for someone to retire, move on, or die (just saying), that next step seems impossible here. You’ve reached your zenith, beloved.

The Herzberg Two-Factory Theory details your frustration. Psychologist Frederick Herzberg proposed this theory in 1956 and almost sixty years later, it continues to resonate with pissed off workers everywhere. I understand why you hate your job. I do. But know that you’re not alone. A Gallup poll suggested that nearly 70% of people are bored with their place of employment. So keep applying for something new and hold on. That ship will arrive before you know it.

What It’s Like to Fall in Love…With Yourself

It seems like people talk a lot about the idea of loving oneself. People “love” themselves, so they post pretty face selfies on Instagram. They “love” themselves so, as proof, they write long Facebook statuses and tweet about it until their fingers are numb.

Recently, I started to wonder if that actually counts as love. Since when is love purely on the surface? From what I understand, love is something to be nurtured and even acted upon. So if I just say I LOVE myself, is that enough? Not really.

So I decided to take the terminology one step further. I decided that it’s important not to just love yourself, but to be unshakably IN love with yourself. I’m talking about the burning, passionate, agonizing love that makes you want to give someone the world and then some.

So then I had to decide, how do you treat someone when you’re in love and how does that translate when that someone is yourself? Well, here’s the top five I came up with:

1. Forgive Your Shortcomings

When someone has your heart, to the outside world they can do no wrong. Think about this. No. Wrong. Let someone criticize your man for that little bit of weight he gained after the holidays. You would go off. So give yourself the same treatment. Okay, so you still can’t fit into your jeans from high school. And? You haven’t paid off that last credit card. So what? That doesn’t take away from everything you’ve already accomplished or what you know you’re capable of. So forgive yourself for all of that and move on. Love is blind – especially to the little things.

2. Spend Time With and Prioritize Yourself

After a long day, you know whether you need to listen to someone’s drama about their man or their job or whatever. Take your own inventory and ask yourself, “Do I just need a quiet night where I can be alone with myself?” If the answer is yes, do it. Put yourself before your responsibilities to anything or anybody else. If your special someone needed you, you would put things aside and take the time to just be with them and help them rejuvenate. So be sure to put yourself first and know when enough is enough.

3. Become Your Own Biggest Cheerleader

Let your boo thang get that promotion at work or finish that home improvement project he’s been working on since you met him. You know you’ve never been more proud. Now just try to think about your accomplishments in the same way. You finished that assignment and the clients loved it? Go ‘head, girl! You got dressed to go out with your friends and you got your hair to look perfect? YASSSSS! No matter what you accomplish, big or small, celebrate it! You can have a mini dance party or text your mom or whatever, but just take every opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate yourself for the amazing human being you are.

4.Treat Yourself

If you know you’ve been working your entire behind off and there’s something nice that you want – try getting comfortable with the ideas of treating yourself. Every once in a while, just surprise yourself and walk out of a store after paying full price for the shoes you were waiting to go on sale. Do you like flowers? Every grocery store has them. Just buy them and put them on your dresser or kitchen counter. Where they came from won’t make them any less beautiful.

Are you stressed out? Run yourself a hot bath and climb in. I don’t personally understand reading in the tub, but just stare at the ceiling if you want. You can do whatever helps you unwind. So try to learn when you’re in need of something nice and then just do it for yourself. That way, even if you DO meet someone and fall in love, you won’t have to wait for them to figure you out – you can still make yourself happy by knowing how to treat yourself.

5. Keep Yourself Looking Fabulous

The word “fabulous” is relative, but you know what look you go for when you’re trying to put your best foot forward. If you like to get your hair or nails done for your man, but you don’t actually have one, then keep doing it for you. If you’ve got a special date outfit you’ve been saving for that “special occasion” then rip the tags off and wear it for a night out with your friends. That way, it can serve two purposes: (1) It’ll make you feel confident and sexy and (2) You just might bump into someone you can get dressed up for next time. Take every opportunity to look and feel flawless because you are. And you don’t need anyone to tell you that.

So that’s all I came up with. Maybe you do other things when you’re in love, but guess what? You can do whatever works for you and makes you feel valued and appreciated. So (especially if you’re unchose), the next time someone asks if you have someone special in your life, tell them you are completely head over heels IN LOVE with one of greatest human beings on the planet.