Tinder, Soul Swipe, and Online Dating Triggers

Swipe left. Left. Left. Left. Wait. I didn’t mean that. Undo. (Thanks, Premium). Uh… Never mind. Left. Left. Left. Left.

That’s basically me on Tinder, Soul Swipe, bae, or any other dating app that’s out. I’ve gotten pretty numb to the guys out there. I mean, it’s now to the point where I can admit that I’ve recognized certain triggers that foreshadow their debauchery. The types of profile photos and ‘clever’ profile descriptions are all alarms that are set off mentally. I just can’t.

For an example, men with professional head shots tell me that he is interested and/or pursuing a career in the entertainment industry. And though I know everyone can have their breakout moment, how stable is that aspiring acting/rapping/photography/cinematography career? When my grandma asks me what you do for a living, how should I explain that you’re 33 and had a breakout role (read: extra) on Devious Maids in 2014?

And is it just me or is everyone a Travel Noire now? I mean, did everyone buy that $100 round-trip ticket to Abu Dhabi? I think traveling is great, wonderful even, but did you go there to enjoy the culture or to show everyone you have a passport? I’m not trying to compete with your Instagram following or be your designated photographer. I’m good.

All the self-proclaimed “family men” are basically fathers to me. I don’t care if that baby in your photo was your godchild or niece (which, why is a minor in your photo anyway?), I want no parts. And I understand that men can be married and divorced by 30. I get that. However, children are an extra priority. Despite how good or bad the relationship with the mother of the children is, I just personally don’t want to get involved. It’s too much.

And shoutout to all the “entrepreneurs” out there. We’re all hustling and trying to become that next mogul or whatever, but what pays the bills? Does your hustle suffice? What that LLC do? No, seriously. What does your company consist of? What are the projected profits? How much have you made so far? I might have watched too many episodes of Shark Tank but that tells you I’m no fool.

The guys that are just looking for “friends” or were allegedly bored and decided to sign up to see what’s good can go away too. I know what being “friends” mean and I’m not about to ride 285 all day long to waste my gas. Catch it.

And if we get to the point where we somehow matched, don’t call me baby or sweetheart or any other generic pet name. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. Let’s start at 0 and work our way forward, shall we? Don’t tell me you’ll give me a back rub or I can swing by your place if I want. Again, I. don’t. know. you. And this ain’t what this is.

If your photo is too grainy or pixelated, I swiped left. If your carpet is dirty, I swiped left. If you don’t understand grammatical syntax, I swiped left. And if we matched and you didn’t initiate conversation first, I’m un-matching without notification. I’m really not picky, I swear. But the way my standards are set up…

So, this thought process can make it hard to deem one as a decent match. Tinder just reaffirms how data plans and wifi connections are really accessible to anyone. But I haven’t given up yet. I’m sure there is a respectable someone out there. Until then…

“He’ll Be Back.”

That’s what the members of my family tell me after learning that I’m no longer with the guy they met earlier this year, the guy that dropped everything he was doing to travel with me 100 miles when my grandfather was in the hospital due to a serious heart condition. Yea, that’s how he was introduced to half of my family — the strong, support system of a grieving girlfriend.

But what they didn’t know was that for almost two years, we pretended. We created a wonderful façade of two beings growing together. We traveled. We dined. We celebrated. But we did these things (in my opinion) to keep up with the time spent. Around a year, we said the L word. And around a year and a half, he put his weekend on hold to comfort me as my grandmother, father, aunts, and cousins came together as my frail grandfather lied in that hospital room. Yea, it was all good when the cameras were rolling.

But honestly, we were far from ideal. We weren’t always that way, but we failed to fight for what we had in the beginning, thus creating an environment of passivity and maintainability. That led to the deterioration of what little relationship we had left and eventually having to tell my closest friends and family that we were dunzo.

So my family meant well. But even though the sentiment spoken should have provided some sort of hope and solace that my gallant former suitor would eventually come back around, I really don’t need it. To want him back would mean regaining a life of mediocrity was better than being single. And nah, I’m good.

Credits: Caleb Ekeroth

Your Facebook is Attracting the Wrong Guy

Your phone buzzes. You check your Facebook messages to see that you’ve been hit up by someone you went to college with. He’s saying hi and he hopes all is well. That seems nice and innocent so you mutually respond then go back to whatever you were doing. Later on, he sees how your day went. After a few Facebook exchanges, you two decide to swap numbers and keep the convo going via text. Everything is going well, until you find out that he’s living with the mother of his child.

Four months later, you get a notification that someone your friend from high school knows liked several of your Instagram photos. You two begin to follow each other and he makes it a habit to double tap and comment on all of your pics. Being the nice person you are (and the fact that he’s low-key fine), you do the same. Then one day, you decide to click-through to the Instagram account of a girl that also frequently comments on his page. That’s when you notice pictures of the two of them from 5 weeks ago and several subliminal Tweetgrams. Is she talking about me, you wonder. She is, girl. She is.

Why does this keep happening to you? Why do all of these relationally occupied men keep finding their way to your social media accounts?

Well, sis. It’s because it’s you.

Your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and/or Snapchat accounts are attracting the wrong guy.

Yes, the issue lies within your accounts. It’s what you push out into the world for people to consume and take in about you. Your “woe is me” statuses and tweets and late night snaps are crumbs for these social media roaches to eat up. Seriously. Think about it. Within the past month, have you posted any of the following:

  • Anything to elude to your relationship status or lack thereof
  • Something about all the recent hardships you’ve been through and how it only makes you stronger
  • A form fitting outfit and/or a glimpse of cleavage
  • Any deep reflection between the hours of 11 pm and 4 am
  • Something about how your future is going to be better than your past

If you can answer yes at least two of these, there is no wonder why these scum types keep making their way into your inbox. You’re too vulnerable and open with your social media friends. Point blank, you’re telling us too much.

Naturally, the fix is to keep these thoughts off Facebook, etc. If you’re having an “in my feelings” moment, send it to your friends via Groupme. If you feel enlightened, write it down in a physical journal. Feel free to document these emotions, just keep it off your social networks.

So next time a random blast from the past pops out the blue, you can take that for what it is—a baseless attempt to see what’s good. But at least this time, you’ll know why.