Why I’d Rather Do Without the Facebook Relationship Status

Let’s face it; in today’s dating world, it means a lot to some women to become what is called “Facebook official” with their beaus. It’s almost like the engagement ring of a budding relationship—you go to Facebook and update your profile to read “in a relationship” and then you smile absentmindedly as you then type in #Bae’s government name in the “with who?” box. A few minutes later, you get a notification that #Bae has accepted your relationship request, and now the whole Facebook world (and those of your linked accounts) know that you’re officially dating Bae Richardson, who attended West Bumbletree University in Houstatlantavegas. Where ever that is. Let the posting of the #datenight pictures begin!

While for a long time when I was in college, I felt it to be a big deal for the guy I was dating to make us Facebook official (he never did, the scoundrel), and even now I have fleeting moments where I wanna ask #Bae to put my name on his Facebook profile, by living vicariously through other people, I’ve actually come to realize that I’d rather not have my name plastered over his Facebook page nor have a plethora of Instagram and Facebook pictures of #datenight and #chillingwithbae or #cookingforbae or what have you. And I’ll tell you my two reasons why:

You’re inviting people to be in your business.

That’s the top reason right there! I kid you not.

“Oh, that’s you breh?”

“Oh girl, he’s cuuuute!”

“Damn, how long y’all been together, homie?”

“YOU GOT A MAN AND YOU AIN’T TELL ME? Text me girl!”

Um…no.

Most people on your Facebook friends list aren’t asking because they care; they’re just asking because they’re nosy or bored. Probably both…

Yeah, both.

And I’d rather not open up my intimate relationship to people who really don’t care about my wellbeing one way or the other.

The obvious: when you break up, EVERYONE knows.

Suddenly your posts go from, “so in love with my man!” insert heart eyes emoji to “I don’t need no one but me and God. Mama always told me everyone wasn’t going to stick around.”

And everyone on Facebook notices a staggering decline in couple-related pictures and posts. You’re obligated to change your relationship status back to “single,” of which your whole Facebook feed is notified because everyone sees that broken-heart emoji pop up in his or her timeline. Now, once again, you have to deal with the nosy-slash-bored (“nored?” “borsy?”) comments under that sad broken heart:

“Damn girl, what happened?”

“Oh nooooes. L Text me!”

“Damn boo, that’s messed up he did you like that. Hit me up. (555) 367-8594.”

someone “likes” the status

 

ALL of these comments reopen the wound every time you get that little notification that yet another person has commented on your “I’m single” status. How can you possibly adequately start the process of getting over a relationship when every time you log in to check the latest topics, someone reminds you that once again, you’re sleeping alone in bed clutching pillows with only Mr. Duracell to keep you company?

Nah, girl, I ain’t going out like that.

I mean, if Facebook official is your cup of tea, drink it up. But as for me and my house…

…we gon’ creep. Yeah. And keep it on the downlow.

Walking Away is So Hard: Why I Stayed

At some point I knew he wasn’t who I wanted him to be. But I stuck through it−him going on a weekend vacation with his ex, not having money to pay for dinner, not texting me when he returned from a trip out of town, and forcing me up against a wall as he wanted a kiss when I declined. This emotionally suffocating “relationship” lasted for nearly two years. But why did I stay for so long? Why didn’t I just walk away?

Because I don’t like being wrong. I remember telling my best friend about something he did once and she told me more or less “duh.” He had assholian qualities so whatever he did wasn’t a surprise. But I didn’t need her to tell me that. I wanted her to listen. I decided to stop telling her the bad moments and try to highlight his positive attributes.

I also didn’t want to be alone. Or appear alone, rather. I was already in this by myself as my requests were often ignored and my concerns were downplayed. I tried to play the part so that I wouldn’t hear any “I told ya so’s.” I had been single for about three years. I was always that friend. The last thing I wanted was for someone to be able to throw a failed relationship back in my face.

In any minute, I expected him to change. Damn potential. I figured that if I did so much, he would eventually reciprocate and finally become that guy I got a brief glimpse of in rare moments of candidacy. I didn’t want to bail out and some other girl cash in on all this hard work.

So I stayed. I answered his text messages when I supposedly vowed him off. He knew that after his indiscretions were revealed, I would need a moment and he’d weasel his way back in. I kept that door ajar for so long until I had a sudden cathartic moment that released me. I finally closed that door and chapter for good. And it felt sooooo good. Whew.

Why did you stay in that relationship or “situation” for as long as you did? What made you let go?

Credits: Thomas Hawk

The Coworkers You Need to Befriend

Okay, so you just got to this new job and you don’t know anybody. The Black folks you work with have been cordial but they’re still feeling you out so you haven’t pulled a new bestie yet. That’s fine. There is still time. And you’re not trying to force lifelong friendships anyway; you just want someone to talk to on Fridays about the last night’s episode of Scandal. We all just want these eight hours to pass as quickly as possible, right? Well, perhaps you can find solace in the following:

Someone in IT

Your computer, work phone, printer, tablet or whatever is bound to have an off day. And watch it be the one day you wanted to call in sick but mustered up the energy to come in anyway. It’s good to know someone that works in the IT department that could escalate your ticket and possibly force you to take a long lunch because they were working on your computer. [Don’t get fired though.]

The person at the front desk

Someone has to tell you when your Jimmy John’s order has arrived right? Also, if you’re trying to dodge someone or know if someone is around discretely, this person should be able to tell you. This person normally knows about company announcements before everyone else so you might want to know that everyone can leave by 2:00 on Good Friday in advance so you can schedule your nail appointment right after work.

A human resources coworker

The people in human resources can help you when it comes to open enrollment and converting your sick time into personal leave, so you don’t want to piss them off. They are also very active in the job creation and hiring process so if you have a cousin or a homegirl that needs an internship or a job, they could let you know about the position before its posted on the web. Stay cool with someone in this department to help you and yours.

Someone who can vouch for your skills

If you want to join a prestigious professional organization or simply want a new job, you’ll need to have someone who can speak highly of you while you still work there. Now, don’t get fired trying to seek someone out. You should know who you could confide in if you’re ready to throw in the towel. That person should be able to speak from a professional stance about projects you’ve worked on together when future employers call for references.

Your boss

If possible, you actually want a good working relationship with your boss. Don’t be a kiss up or a nosy Nancy, but try to ask him or her about their life outside of work.  Try to go the extra mile by staying late occasionally and being pleasant. This will make them like you a person and respect you as an employee.

You don’t have to just work for a paycheck anymore, but if you do, at least it can make it a tolerable experience. Befriending coworkers can provide short-term and long-term benefits if done properly. Who have you gotten cool with at work? How has that worked out?

Credits: Victoria Bernal